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I believe that like the previous “Things I’d never do” segment, that this will become an ongoing series where I detail how and why I will screw up my kid making her as dysfunctional as the rest of us.
- I bonked her head on the handle of the carrier the day we brought her home from the hospital. She cried and then settled down and was fine. There was the lightest mark on her pristine little head that faded quickly, but I’m sure I damaged the part of her brain that will do long division or the part of her brain that will decide what nursing home to put me in one day.
- When she’s crying hysterically or just really needy but I’m at the end of my patience, I have a tendency to put her down in her crib or pack and play and say “Kid, you’ll need to hang out for a minute. I’ve got other stuff to do.” Then, I take a break and regain my senses and then pick her up again and deal with whatever the issue is. I am sure she will have some sort of trust issues and will put me in a terrible nursing home one day.
- I call her “Kid” a lot. I am sure she will never learn her proper name and will go through life saying “My name is Phoebe, but everyone calls me ‘Kid'”. I have always jokingly said that I thought my own middle name was “Damn it” until I was 12. I am sure this is punishment for besmirching my parent’s good name.