Why this blog is called what it is…

Since 2002, I’ve lost both of my parents, been disowned by my father’s family, disowned my father’s family. Bought a house. Sold a house. Lost 1 job, quit 2 others and feel like quitting the one I’m in now. Additionally, Moo has lost 2 jobs and then worked as a contractor before becoming a full time employee at his current job. Meanwhile, you know what the world’s been like since 2002. So, to say that my life has been stressful is an understatement.

After my mom passed away from a brief but terrible stint with lung cancer in 2004, I had what I refer to as a “mini nervous breakdown”. I was put on two separate anti-depressants – Effexor and Wellbutrin. I was never suicidal or homicidal. It was just really hard for me to see that things could ever get better again. which is strange, because I tend to be a “the cup’s half full” kind of person. I just had no idea who I was any more. I wasn’t someone’s daughter or granddaughter anymore and I had been those things so intently and so completely that it all just turned into one big wreck.

Also, I was pissed. Absolutely pissed off that my parents were off in heaven having a great time and I was here mopping up. I was stuck here doing all the hard crap and they weren’t here to help me. For the first time in my life, I felt REALLY ALONE.

I went into therapy for about a year. This is one of the better things I’ve done. My therapist was a lovely lady, but I found myself not wanting to disappoint her. I found myself distancing myself from her and not wanting to get too attached to her. Finally, I just stopped going. I didn’t feel better when I went. I could deal with things better and going to therapy just stirred things up that weren’t bothering me anymore.

Things did get better. I found myself not wanting to sleep all the time and I’ve lost some weight which makes me feel better.

I think everyone needs a nervous breakdown. They are highly underrated ways of making you evaluate your life and who you are. I am no longer just a daughter. I’m a wife and perhaps one day, a mother. I’m a good friend. I’m a good person. I am a lover.

Additionally, I feel closer to God now. I’ve had some deep personal experiences with Him now and I’ve felt his presence in my life at some of the most difficult times in my life.

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